Stories We Tell Ourselves-Taking a Vow to Not Lie by Meditation Teacher Training Graduate Melissa Pelham

If you were asked to take a vow of no lying - say, for one week - how would you respond? What would your immediate thoughts be? I was recently unpacking this topic as part of one of our first Meditation Teacher Training challenges, and my initial response and thought was: well, I will ace this challenge, because I am not a liar! I went into the week fairly certain that I would not have much to say at the end. But it wasn’t until I took the time to mindfully observe my thoughts, speech and actions for that week (thank you, Five Precepts!), that I came across some behaviors that pointed to the very thing that I thought I didn’t do: LIE.

I don’t have many opportunities or reasons to lie; it is not in my nature nor do I often engage in situations that would prompt me to do so. But it wasn’t until I truly opened to the self-inquiry that I noted the one area in my life that was a breeding ground for this to happen: at work. I work remotely with a small team of 3 people; we have been working together for 6  years - and, as it happens, we are also friends outside of work. While it can be an awkward situation at times, to be both friends and colleagues, we are good about honoring each other’s needs, sharing the workload and treating each other equally. One of the 3 of us is the “boss” however, a title reluctantly held by my friend but held none the less by virtue of her seniority and work demands. Somewhere along the way, I realized that I had started to tell her these “half-truths” about where I was going when accounting for time away from my desk.  Nothing “bad”, but a lie none the less! For example, instead of being truthful and saying I was leaving early to get my hair styled, I’d say I was taking my dog out. An altering of the truth is just that: it isn’t the truth. It sounds like such a small thing, but to add up the number of times I had done this was quite humbling to note.

Somewhere along the way I had begun to tell myself stories about my boss:  

That she was rigid and inflexible. That she would be punitive or unfair if I did tell the truth. That she was more of a corporate player than I was and a rule-follower. That she would think badly of me if I did tell her the truth.

I allowed all this narrative to separate me from her, and this then gave me permission to lie and sneak around on half-truths. My “aha!” moment came while meditating on all this, and I realized that the origins of my behavior were sourced to the memories of a very punitive and rigid 7th grade teacher I had - think, “School Marm”  in energy, appearance and mannerisms. My former 7th grade teacher was someone who, back in the day, bullied me and triggered in me the response to lie. As I awakened to this truth, it became clear to me that I had been subconsciously superimposing HER energy on to my boss’s! I was superimposing the classroom to the workroom. It was like a full projection, all made up in my mind, with my ego believing it like it was the truth. Suddenly I had the insight that I’ve been responding to my present day situation as if I was back in 7th grade and 12 years old. 

In truth, there is no reason for me to alter my reasons for either being at my desk or not; I am an adult, and responsible and accountable for my actions. I have good working relationships with everyone. My boss is not the reason I lied. I lied out of the power of the story my mind had created, and my reactive behavior to it. I was finally able to see how much falsehood I had constructed around this and it was both fascinating and shocking. Imagine carrying that story around. It had certainly done some damage over time. Since I am now aware of this, I have worked on eliminating the stories and the need to alter my truth. And the sensation that has come with that has been refreshing. Not only because there have been no repercussions from truth-telling (which my ego was anticipating would come), but because it has offered a clean, honest exchange between my boss and I. No fluff. No embellishment. No gray areas. No bending. Just the truth.  And if I am even more honest about it, it has felt empowering. Empowering because I am honoring her - and myself. 

BIG difference.

Through meditation and with mindfulness, I am more consciously applying right action and right speech in my daily interactions at work (and beyond) and enjoying the freedom that comes with it. Thanks to the wisdom of the Path, I have recognized the power, joy and freedom that comes with living from the truth.

Have you ever examined how the act of telling a lie exists in your life? If not, what do you think you would find?